swirting, myfeinn, wiprack, krartorian, sapien, glorgumant, gruckeskt are all words that are not words to describe this revolting feeling. Futureschmertzen? It's no good. Definitely used to be able to write about it but I'm so grindled tonight. Feels like nothing would ever be enough to fill the great big black hole of needinesss that is me. Pushing away friends so they don't reject me first. Like I'm made of jelly. Like I'm back in school and not quite cool or interesting enough. Looking over my friends' shoulders at school - clearly they're not cool enough if they're talking to me. Stupid, pretentious, not-quite-as-clever-as-she-seems-at-first basically unoriginal and, when one comes down to it, a bit shallow. Not capable of building a real relationship, at best sort of a worshipping audience of someone who eventually wanted more than admiration. Unable to write this without feeling embarrassed by it. Editing it (I mean, grindled? That's stupid. Why not just use a real word?). Spending my life in stories instead of actually working anything out in the real world. Now completely lost. Too many qualifiers. Definitely borderline alcoholic (or just Londoner). How about this for a Soulmates profile? Also, I like yoga. #everything. Going to Byron Burger (which I don't like, it's silly and the burgers are rubbish and everyone's loud in Farringdon) because I don't want to be alone. Missing my friends although they are here. Endlessly comparing my life to books. Not sure how to cope with the next few months because he has someone new and I don't. Totally over it though. Totally fine. Fucking fucking arse.

Oh dear. I don't know what to do. I don't think I don't know if I can cope with seeing him with beautiful dark-haired girl and happy. Not on holidays, not being on emails he sends about gigs. I feel so stupid for not being more over this. It's been almost TWO YEARS. TWO YEARS. And I've been trying to do so many things. But essentially, it comes down to the fact that it's clearly easier for him to find someone. I'm exhausted. Everything is hard. Work, family, friends, him. Even home. Rented home with one housemate who appears to no longer want to talk to me (not that I'm exactly a nice easy barrel of laughs at present. Actually a barrel of laughs sounds scary). I feel like getting older means increasing distance from everyone and everything and the more I try to grab at things, the further away they are.