some sadness and some happy things

So, on  Wednesday night I got horribly, horribly drunk, ended up in a pub with Fish, blurted out that I missed him and said maybe we could... Luckily, I suddenly realised that I didn't really have an ending to that suggestion. He might miss me, and I him, but we've still sorted nothing - what would we do, start dating again? As I foundered, so did he. A week ago, apparently, he would have leapt at the chance (!) but now, over the past week he's started seeing someone else. It's 'complicated' but he still loves me. However, it was a horrible, painful relief and I feel like a bit of an idiot, but at least it's over now. Even more than that, I think I blurted it out because I could tell something was different. Think there's a reason I haven't said anything over the past few months when I could tell he was feeling the same - I knew it wasn't the right thing, so I waited until it was safe, if humiliating. Also, he's getting help and getting himself sorted, which is wonderful, no matter what else. Anyway. Enough is enough is enough of this. This is the last post containing his name for the next six months. I'm not going to see him, and I'm going to do my best not to think of him. I'd better buy a new laptop, get my desk back and stop wearing the clothes he bought me - going to try and build a life without him. But, just for the record, men suck.

Good things this bank holiday:
 - Laughing with Allie on the South Bank and eating at a lovely restaurant
 - Watching Breaking Bad in bed for lots of today
 - Talking to Maisie on Skype
 - Seeing Lucy's new flat and drinking strawberry vodka
 - Holding another Game of Thrones evening (Daenerys-themed - lamb with Ras el hanout spices on skewers - it was delicious)
 - Not going to Cambridge
 - The sun
 - Talking to Mum on Thursday
 - Hopefully not dying alone, even though I'm two months away from 30 and very scared indeed
 - Seeing Hannah's baby (though, unfortunately, it does look a little like a troll)
 - Writing this list
 - Rereading one of my travelling diaries

Tomorrow I'm volunteering for the second time with a school in West Norwood. We have about four children to look after each, and tomorrow they're going to be interviewing us to learn some presentation and communication skills. My lot (Charlene, Michelle, Amchaya (or something like that) and Tyrone) seem like a nice bunch. I was terrified, but they are nowhere near as frightening as the Camp America girls. I don't think any children anywhere will ever be as frightening as the Camp America ones, which I suppose is good practice.

Just joining Guardian Soulmates officially. Dating, here I come.