publishing woes, lack of sleep

Failing rather seriously to sleep tonight. I think I'm tired, but just can't seem to switch my brain off. It scares me  very much how much of my time and energy is spent on work or worrying about the future. I'm sure the world used to have more richness to it. I definitely used to think more about things outside of myself. Maybe work does count on that front, but somehow, lying here and worrying whether the Samantha Young is going to sell the required 9,600 ebooks in order too break even (because no matter what sales said at the time I DEFINITELY overpaid - 22000 pounds was insane for that book) doesn't have quite the gravitas of attempting to understand Kant's Ethics (though to be fair, I never did manage that). The most depressing thing about it (work, I mean) is that I feel so helpless. Lacking marketing, publicity or significant sales support (ie, Budget - an elusive, mythical creature who I've heard rumours occasionally blesses JK Rowling and the literary division with its presence), I'm basically just putting books up on Amazon and surfing off the author's pre-existing popularity. It's not good enough, and it's certainly not good enough to justify taking 75% of ebook royalties. It's also horrible, and immensely frustrating, to watch a book you actually care about and think is good (admittedly,  they are in the minority of what I publish, but they do exist) and know that in spite of all your hopes and promises to the contrary, you have almost no power to help it reach new readers. Again, it's not right and it's not sustainable. And I'm so incredibly sick of it, I have to either leave or figure out a way that we can add more than we currently do.

Sam's book is here at present:

• Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #245 Paid in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Paid in Kindle Store)
• #3 in Kindle Store > Books > Literature & Fiction > Erotica > Romantic Erotica
• #6 in Kindle Store > Books > Literature & Fiction > Women's Fiction > Sagas
• #6 in Books > Fiction > Erotica
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• Not bad. Not great, but not bad. 

Maybe freelance editing is the only way to go? But the thing is, I do feel like there are publishing jobs out there where you get to make a difference, where you actually put a campaign together that people have time to focus on and that they are excited about. Where we aren't publishing ridiculous numbers of books at once and competing, or having to operate within guidelines that are set up millions of miles away. Maybe even somewhere where I get to work with the authors again. It's just that trying to get those jobs feels impossible - most of the independents are literary, whereas I like commercial books. I do feel that after this job, managing fewer than 12-20 books a month will just feel AMAZING. Anything where I have time to be creative would feel amazing. Equally, somewhere where I care about the books would be pretty special as well. 

Ok. I shall send my cv to independent publishers. There are still some around, after all, and working outside of London wouldn't be the end of the world. I do think that maybe I'm coming back to life a little. 

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