fear and sparrows

Oh Christ I'm scared. Have to meet Fish for a very adult coffee that he's basically insisted upon. I am terribly, terribly afraid that he wants to tell me, in a very adult way, about a new girlfriend. Or some other horrible thing like he was cheating for those last six months. I just want to run away. Not seeing him is definitely the best thing, but he says he's thinking about dropping out of our upcoming group skiing holiday. When I asked why, he said (insert angry/hurt voice here), 'because it's difficult Anna.' Don't know if that means seeing me, or is to do with  a new girl. Apparently meeting up will be hard but it's worth it if it 'helps either of us.' Eugh.

The thing is, I know it won't do any good to keep burying my head and in a way a new girlfriend would be good - might kick me into actually looking for other people. But I still don't want to sit in a coffee house and pretend to be an adult. My stomach hurts. If butterflies are the nice thing that happens when you like someone, wonder which animal it is that's currently in my belly. Snakes? June bugs? (always hated those scaly buggers). No... more fluttery than that. Sparrows? Anyway. Not supposed to be the point of this blog. The point was....

What do I want to get out of this meeting? Seems silly just to go in there all trembly without anything prepared. Bit worried I'll rant otherwise. But I'm not sure I want to know his answers to 'why did you stop loving me and/or wanting to be with me?' I don't really trust him to say anything useful, and whatever he says is bound to be painful. 'Why did you stop trying?' perhaps? Telling him I'm still so angry at him for not being there and being so horrible for so long. That I'm equally angry with myself for letting him be so horrible for so long and doubting myself so much. But what good does that do? I would like to say something about my family. I'm truly hurt that he didn't send them a message, and I wish he would. They were endlessly kind and warm to him.

Grrrr. Basically, I'm travelling to the North for half an hour, which is annoying. To be fair, I was going to be at work today, but now that I've been reading in bed I just want to stay here for ever. Do I wear what I'm wearing or dress up?

*secret confession for the internet * I worked at home today so that I could wash a pretty dress to wear. 

This is ridiculous. He is just a man. Really, he's just a boy. And I will survive no matter what he says. Hear that, Anna? You will be ok. Honest.