Hi Fish

I’m missing you rather horribly at the moment and it’s messing me up. I want to talk to you about things I’m worried about – without you I just keep going over them in my head. The silly thing is, I know that if we were still together, the way we were by the end, you wouldn’t be interested in hearing what I was thinking about. So it’s even more annoying that I know you might be more interested now and that I miss your advice and voice in my head so much.

I feel as though everything around me is changing and I’m just stuck. I know there are lots of things I should be able to do to kick me out of this, but I can’t seem to make myself do them. I should join a squash club. I should try and audition in a choir. I should spend some time writing. I should try dating with more commitment. Instead I’m very afraid that I’m just waiting for us to start again.

Meanwhile, as a 29yr old woman, I know that my chances to have a family are shrinking. That people look down on me for not having a partner. That I want children and to be needed and to have a rich, full life full of people I love but instead feel like my deep need for those things is instead going to drive everyone away. I’m basically a mess. I also feel like London is quite unfair in that you will get more desirable as all those 24yr old concubine types realise how awesome and rich you are, while I’ll get more and more desperate and end up in a corner somewhere buried under a pile of books. It makes me feel like I need to do something straight away if we are to get back together, before you realise this inequality. However, I’m also aware that this is quite mad, and that to get back with someone ‘before they realise they can do better’ probably isn’t the way to lasting bliss, especially since I know from bitter experience that you are not somebody who is good at reassuring me or building up my self-esteem when it feels wobbly. With you, I need to be in the position of strength – you only ever seem to really want me when you feel like you can’t have me.

Currently, I appear to be fighting tears at my desk, which isn’t ideal, tbh. Particularly since I’m meant to be writing cover copy about a paranormal historical romance set in Victorian London.