I have made a pact with myself to not nag Fish for a week. I swear that, until this time (20.30) next Thursday, I'm going to stop the reproaches and stop expecting anything from him. We are pretty awful at the moment, and finally nearly did break up, but both decided that we don't want to. But I'm now very scared simply by how much it was on the table. Seriously thinking again about your relationship makes you have to face how much of yourself is defined by it. And it was more than I had thought. Bit like having the rug pulled out from beneath you - the world suddenly looks different when you're on your arse. And now our house makes me cry, because I keep seeing all the stuff we collected and how safe I used to feel in it and instead I feel wretched and angry and scared. I really, really loved the fact that I felt he saw the best in me, that in spite of my lack of general effort and irritating qualities he saw me as someone desirable and I miss taking that for granted so much. And now I watch myself tip-toeing around, alternating between nervousness and spiky little comments and I don't find that person loveable either. Hard to blame him if he's lost the spark in his eyes when he looks at me. Though of course I do. I blame him for making me less as a person, for knocking down my confidence by seeing me as smaller, but I blame me more for fitting myself into the person he sees me as. It just seems like such a waste not to love each other with more freedom than that. It's like it's gone sour and I don't know how to get it back. I feel so stupid.
Eugh. Cheerful stuff, this. Sorry, internet, there's probably more than enough of this at the moment. I'd write a bestselling novel instead, but there's enough of them around as well. Besides, currently it would have to be a Mills & Boon in bondage-style hiding and no one wants to see that.
Let's think of some other news. I am currently doing/failing to actually do and pretty much just reading Course RA https://www.coursera.org/, which is an awesome, free thing where lecturers post courses and set essays - it's incredible. My course is on Science Fiction and Fantasy, and as I was watching a video lecture, the lecturer recommended a particular edition of Grimm's Fairytales. While listing to the lecture, I opened up another tab and downloaded it, all the while thinking: it's happened! I'm actually in the future! It was very exciting.
And shit. That went all to hell. Just had a row with him on the phone. He rung to say he was going to an art installation. Not to invite me. I thought he was and got excited but he wasn't. And then I got upset. It's just so strange. I would never be able to get him to go to an art installation - to be frank, who is he going for? It increasingly feels as though I'm not welcome in his new Guardian life. Which is bizarre, as ironically I'd have thought I would like them very much. If we ever met, of course. Oh dear, satsumas and black tea. He's now coming home instead and I'm horribly afraid he will officially want to break up. The thing is, that is better if he doesn't want to be with me. I'm so messed up and needy and desperate at the moment that I can't even take the step back to look at what I actually feel for him. Ah, the joys of relationships.
