missing and separation

It's Sunday night and I'm a bit drunk and also maudlin. Lovely lunch/dinner thing at Adam's but god I miss Fish. So badly that it's ridiculous at the moment. I know we sorted nothing and that nothing would be different if we got together but all the same I ache for him. It literally hurts my stomach, missing him.  Adam met a girl on Tinder to will try doing the same. For a boy, obviously. Unless she's a really pretty girl. Me? Desperate? No, not at all.

Ramble and news and Reaper

Rather depressing outburst on Friday - I'd apologise but luckily no one I know reads this! Apologies instead to my future self. Barring the world self-destructing I will probably read this back and be a bit ashamed. Just got back from my Dad's 71st birthday, which was actually really nice. Adam and I had taken a night each as Mum was on holiday, so we had a very relaxed weekend until my mum came back, at which point suddenly everything became extremely stressful. I can't decide whether she was always just difficult, or whether she's become more miserable and so harder to be around. She currently has a constant air of need and passive aggressive anger at the situation she's in. It must be unimaginably horrible to have to shift in your marriage from partner to carer, so I do understand the rage, but I don't know how to help other than being there a lot. She's doing incredibly well, actually, and after a few hours she calms down, however from the moment of her entrance everybody tensed up, including Dad. Within a few moments she'd mentioned that perhaps I could stay in Chorleywood till Tuesday, told Adam off for not buying a paper, passively-aggressively suggested he mow the lawn ('I was hoping Adam would do it...'), unloaded the dishwasher, asked me lots about Fish and started questioning why Adam and I felt it necessary to be 'pissed out of our minds' before we could enjoy ourselves on nights out (fair point for most of England but not ideal fodder for 11am on a sunny Sunday morning straight after 'hello and how was the holiday'). It's exhausting, and felt much clearer than usual after such a relaxing couple of days. Adam's going to suggest she find some support groups, with the hope that now we've both suggested it (and I've sent links) she might try doing it.

In other news, I've just finished The Saga of the Exiles again, which wasn't quite as good as I remembered - actually think Fish might be right in saying they are slightly less strong than the Mileu trilogy. It just drags a little bit and things work out a little too easily at the end. I also went to see Under The Skin, a terrifying, weird, slow and exhausting film that I think I really, really like. However, it's taken me a few days to come to that conclusion. It was a little like 2001, though with sex; a similarly eerie, fantastic portrayal of alien consciousness. Unlike the film of Enders Game, which is a pile of total crap. Can't work out if the book is worse than I remember, or if it just doesn't lend itself to film. Harrison Ford was the only good thing in it - the poor grumpy man pulled his scenes off beautifully and seemed to do his utmost to distance himself from the rest of the car crash. I'm still worryingly obsessed with  Reaper, a phone game that continues to be cute, addictive and which I'm annoyingly bad at. Also, in the story version they killed everyone that poor Reaper loved and left him wandering alone in the darkness (and that was the reward for winning :( ).

I have a potential Tinder date on Wednesday, so we'll see. I'm aware I'm still basically in love with Fish (like Voldemort, it's important to say his name often to banish the demons), but since there doesn't appear to be a solution to this (he keeps saying how much he misses me but is not exactly throwing himself in front of me and asking what he can do to make us work, and even if he did I don't know what I'd say, or how I could be reassured enough that he wouldn't just vanish again), I am desperately hunting for distraction. Sadly, desperation in any form isn't that attractive, so slightly worried I'm coming across as quite odd, rather than cool, mysterious and flirty. Ah well.

Ooh, just found a new sword on Reaper - how exciting!

Ahem.

Right, this has been a rather boring post, I suspect, but trying my best to keep writing as much as I can (which apparently isn't much, because I suffer from extreme laziness).

Hi Fish

I’m missing you rather horribly at the moment and it’s messing me up. I want to talk to you about things I’m worried about – without you I just keep going over them in my head. The silly thing is, I know that if we were still together, the way we were by the end, you wouldn’t be interested in hearing what I was thinking about. So it’s even more annoying that I know you might be more interested now and that I miss your advice and voice in my head so much.

I feel as though everything around me is changing and I’m just stuck. I know there are lots of things I should be able to do to kick me out of this, but I can’t seem to make myself do them. I should join a squash club. I should try and audition in a choir. I should spend some time writing. I should try dating with more commitment. Instead I’m very afraid that I’m just waiting for us to start again.

Meanwhile, as a 29yr old woman, I know that my chances to have a family are shrinking. That people look down on me for not having a partner. That I want children and to be needed and to have a rich, full life full of people I love but instead feel like my deep need for those things is instead going to drive everyone away. I’m basically a mess. I also feel like London is quite unfair in that you will get more desirable as all those 24yr old concubine types realise how awesome and rich you are, while I’ll get more and more desperate and end up in a corner somewhere buried under a pile of books. It makes me feel like I need to do something straight away if we are to get back together, before you realise this inequality. However, I’m also aware that this is quite mad, and that to get back with someone ‘before they realise they can do better’ probably isn’t the way to lasting bliss, especially since I know from bitter experience that you are not somebody who is good at reassuring me or building up my self-esteem when it feels wobbly. With you, I need to be in the position of strength – you only ever seem to really want me when you feel like you can’t have me.

Currently, I appear to be fighting tears at my desk, which isn’t ideal, tbh. Particularly since I’m meant to be writing cover copy about a paranormal historical romance set in Victorian London.