missing and separation

It's Sunday night and I'm a bit drunk and also maudlin. Lovely lunch/dinner thing at Adam's but god I miss Fish. So badly that it's ridiculous at the moment. I know we sorted nothing and that nothing would be different if we got together but all the same I ache for him. It literally hurts my stomach, missing him.  Adam met a girl on Tinder to will try doing the same. For a boy, obviously. Unless she's a really pretty girl. Me? Desperate? No, not at all.

Ramble and news and Reaper

Rather depressing outburst on Friday - I'd apologise but luckily no one I know reads this! Apologies instead to my future self. Barring the world self-destructing I will probably read this back and be a bit ashamed. Just got back from my Dad's 71st birthday, which was actually really nice. Adam and I had taken a night each as Mum was on holiday, so we had a very relaxed weekend until my mum came back, at which point suddenly everything became extremely stressful. I can't decide whether she was always just difficult, or whether she's become more miserable and so harder to be around. She currently has a constant air of need and passive aggressive anger at the situation she's in. It must be unimaginably horrible to have to shift in your marriage from partner to carer, so I do understand the rage, but I don't know how to help other than being there a lot. She's doing incredibly well, actually, and after a few hours she calms down, however from the moment of her entrance everybody tensed up, including Dad. Within a few moments she'd mentioned that perhaps I could stay in Chorleywood till Tuesday, told Adam off for not buying a paper, passively-aggressively suggested he mow the lawn ('I was hoping Adam would do it...'), unloaded the dishwasher, asked me lots about Fish and started questioning why Adam and I felt it necessary to be 'pissed out of our minds' before we could enjoy ourselves on nights out (fair point for most of England but not ideal fodder for 11am on a sunny Sunday morning straight after 'hello and how was the holiday'). It's exhausting, and felt much clearer than usual after such a relaxing couple of days. Adam's going to suggest she find some support groups, with the hope that now we've both suggested it (and I've sent links) she might try doing it.

In other news, I've just finished The Saga of the Exiles again, which wasn't quite as good as I remembered - actually think Fish might be right in saying they are slightly less strong than the Mileu trilogy. It just drags a little bit and things work out a little too easily at the end. I also went to see Under The Skin, a terrifying, weird, slow and exhausting film that I think I really, really like. However, it's taken me a few days to come to that conclusion. It was a little like 2001, though with sex; a similarly eerie, fantastic portrayal of alien consciousness. Unlike the film of Enders Game, which is a pile of total crap. Can't work out if the book is worse than I remember, or if it just doesn't lend itself to film. Harrison Ford was the only good thing in it - the poor grumpy man pulled his scenes off beautifully and seemed to do his utmost to distance himself from the rest of the car crash. I'm still worryingly obsessed with  Reaper, a phone game that continues to be cute, addictive and which I'm annoyingly bad at. Also, in the story version they killed everyone that poor Reaper loved and left him wandering alone in the darkness (and that was the reward for winning :( ).

I have a potential Tinder date on Wednesday, so we'll see. I'm aware I'm still basically in love with Fish (like Voldemort, it's important to say his name often to banish the demons), but since there doesn't appear to be a solution to this (he keeps saying how much he misses me but is not exactly throwing himself in front of me and asking what he can do to make us work, and even if he did I don't know what I'd say, or how I could be reassured enough that he wouldn't just vanish again), I am desperately hunting for distraction. Sadly, desperation in any form isn't that attractive, so slightly worried I'm coming across as quite odd, rather than cool, mysterious and flirty. Ah well.

Ooh, just found a new sword on Reaper - how exciting!

Ahem.

Right, this has been a rather boring post, I suspect, but trying my best to keep writing as much as I can (which apparently isn't much, because I suffer from extreme laziness).

Hi Fish

I’m missing you rather horribly at the moment and it’s messing me up. I want to talk to you about things I’m worried about – without you I just keep going over them in my head. The silly thing is, I know that if we were still together, the way we were by the end, you wouldn’t be interested in hearing what I was thinking about. So it’s even more annoying that I know you might be more interested now and that I miss your advice and voice in my head so much.

I feel as though everything around me is changing and I’m just stuck. I know there are lots of things I should be able to do to kick me out of this, but I can’t seem to make myself do them. I should join a squash club. I should try and audition in a choir. I should spend some time writing. I should try dating with more commitment. Instead I’m very afraid that I’m just waiting for us to start again.

Meanwhile, as a 29yr old woman, I know that my chances to have a family are shrinking. That people look down on me for not having a partner. That I want children and to be needed and to have a rich, full life full of people I love but instead feel like my deep need for those things is instead going to drive everyone away. I’m basically a mess. I also feel like London is quite unfair in that you will get more desirable as all those 24yr old concubine types realise how awesome and rich you are, while I’ll get more and more desperate and end up in a corner somewhere buried under a pile of books. It makes me feel like I need to do something straight away if we are to get back together, before you realise this inequality. However, I’m also aware that this is quite mad, and that to get back with someone ‘before they realise they can do better’ probably isn’t the way to lasting bliss, especially since I know from bitter experience that you are not somebody who is good at reassuring me or building up my self-esteem when it feels wobbly. With you, I need to be in the position of strength – you only ever seem to really want me when you feel like you can’t have me.

Currently, I appear to be fighting tears at my desk, which isn’t ideal, tbh. Particularly since I’m meant to be writing cover copy about a paranormal historical romance set in Victorian London.

fear and sparrows

Oh Christ I'm scared. Have to meet Fish for a very adult coffee that he's basically insisted upon. I am terribly, terribly afraid that he wants to tell me, in a very adult way, about a new girlfriend. Or some other horrible thing like he was cheating for those last six months. I just want to run away. Not seeing him is definitely the best thing, but he says he's thinking about dropping out of our upcoming group skiing holiday. When I asked why, he said (insert angry/hurt voice here), 'because it's difficult Anna.' Don't know if that means seeing me, or is to do with  a new girl. Apparently meeting up will be hard but it's worth it if it 'helps either of us.' Eugh.

The thing is, I know it won't do any good to keep burying my head and in a way a new girlfriend would be good - might kick me into actually looking for other people. But I still don't want to sit in a coffee house and pretend to be an adult. My stomach hurts. If butterflies are the nice thing that happens when you like someone, wonder which animal it is that's currently in my belly. Snakes? June bugs? (always hated those scaly buggers). No... more fluttery than that. Sparrows? Anyway. Not supposed to be the point of this blog. The point was....

What do I want to get out of this meeting? Seems silly just to go in there all trembly without anything prepared. Bit worried I'll rant otherwise. But I'm not sure I want to know his answers to 'why did you stop loving me and/or wanting to be with me?' I don't really trust him to say anything useful, and whatever he says is bound to be painful. 'Why did you stop trying?' perhaps? Telling him I'm still so angry at him for not being there and being so horrible for so long. That I'm equally angry with myself for letting him be so horrible for so long and doubting myself so much. But what good does that do? I would like to say something about my family. I'm truly hurt that he didn't send them a message, and I wish he would. They were endlessly kind and warm to him.

Grrrr. Basically, I'm travelling to the North for half an hour, which is annoying. To be fair, I was going to be at work today, but now that I've been reading in bed I just want to stay here for ever. Do I wear what I'm wearing or dress up?

*secret confession for the internet * I worked at home today so that I could wash a pretty dress to wear. 

This is ridiculous. He is just a man. Really, he's just a boy. And I will survive no matter what he says. Hear that, Anna? You will be ok. Honest.
 

Just about to watch this: http://www.minds.com/blog/view/201538/quite-possibly-the-most-eye-opening-six-minutes-ever-on-film - apparently the most 'mindblowing six minutes on television. *sits back and prepares to judge...
....two minutes later.....
Well, the video keeps pausing but essentially I'm looking at lots of chickens being forced into cages then prepared by masked automatons. Only mindblowing if you've been cosily buying cheap chicken from supermarkets for the last 10 years with absolutely no questioning as to how they can produce it that cheaply. Interesting though in that it's really hard to get images from inside mass production companies so someone took a big risk. And ooh, the cow bit is harder to take. Not sure the opera music over the top was necessary though. Oh, the pig bit is worst of all. They're just so much more human, and yet so delicious.

It's been a weird, weird weekend. Have spent most of it feeling very lost, as though the world outside my bed is a big, scary place. Too much alcohol, too many couples and too much awkwardness. Also too much pining over Fish. It's now been nearly a year - I need to get with someone else I think, even if it's a disaster. Hot barman sort of stood me up, which was annoying and rather humiliating last night. He may make good cocktails, but he's clearly too slippery to be trusted. On the good side, would have been much worse if we'd ever actually kissed or anything and then he'd stood me up. This annoyed me, but nothing more. However, think I'd invested in it as another opportunity to have fun and move that bit further on. Eugh. Am tired of stressing about it. I've been reading LM Montgomery - Emily of New Moon. It's lovely, and sad, and sweet - she's dangerous to read in certain moods as she plays right into my core beliefs - nothing matters as much as the relationships you have, and you won't ever be truly happy unless you're living a life you believe in. It makes me ask lots of horrible questions about what I'm doing now and where I want to end up. Hrrrghh. I do wish I loved my job - would be so much better.

Had Maisie's wedding, which was oddly flat. She looked incredibly beautiful but there was a feeling of falseness about the day - it all somehow seemed a bit empty. I think most of the other weddings I've been to, the couple have had some huge change happening in their lives, or one of them has been religious - it has felt like the ceremony meant something irrevocable. This just felt like a performance to give Maisie a new status in society. However, I think I'm being so unfair owing to 1) jealousy (we have always been competitive and at present, it must be admitted, I am losing the happiness game) and 2) not being in New York and watching their relationship deepen. What they have feels to me to be rather hollow, but either I'm wrong or that is what Maisie wants, Maybe a bit of both. It felt like a convention rather than two people who were deeply in love pledging their lives to each other. Meh. On the good side, Maisie looked AMAZING - like a supermodel, and she seemed to think it had all gone well, which is what she'd been worried about (see? strange?).

Right, this has been rather an uninspiring post, but then it's been rather a dull, annoying weekend, in spite of doing lots. I feel a cold chill when I think of the future, which just at the moment seems to be rather planned out and uncomfortable. Don't worry, I'll be back soon and plan to be in a better  

west side story, wittering, love

Watching West Side Story - it's odd how slow it feels! Makes me realise quite how crap my attention span is. Also, Tony's teeth haven't got any less weirdly large since I last watched it. Hmm. Might steal a cigarette from Lizzie and sit outside for a sec while typing...

Oh, have got sucked in after all. Maria is still wonderful. Also, the dances are just way cooler. Definitely less jumping up and down on the spot, fewer stumbling and vomiting people and more actual ability to dance. Still a shame about Tony though. Still, Romeo's basically a bit of a twat, so I suppose it adds up. Also, he's currently singing Maria, which he is very good at. Such a beautiful song.

Ahh, just had 'I want to be in America'. So amazing. Incredible dancing, brilliant lyrics - something about it always makes me want to cry - maybe because I can't imagine ever managing to dance with such unselfconscious joy unless drunk.

Onto the more boring balcony scene now with toothy Tony being a wuss, so I'll update you. I finally texted nice Jamesman back... oh, got distracted again. They look so in love. I remember doing that staring thing with Fish, where I couldn't quite believe he was real, and loved me. I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where the idea of him looking at someone else like that doesn't make me want to be sick.

On the good side, Officer Krupkee is starting. I used to know every single verse to this, and play it on the piano. No wonder I wasn't a cool child. Anyway, so I finally texted him back, but I left it a week and he'd texted twice. He hasn't replied now, which is fair, but sort of a shame as I think I'd decided I quite wanted to see him again and check whether the sex would be better. Never mind, considering it was my first proper venture, I reckon it could have gone worse. Suppose now I should try meeting some other ones, since it was actually quite fun. In the meantime, I'll just carry on watching West Side Story. Had forgotten how evil the lieutenant is. Hmm. Wonder if 'in lieu' is related to 'lieutenant'. Huh, yes it does (thanks Wikipedia) "The word lieutenant derives from French; the lieu meaning "place" as in a position (cf. in lieu of); and tenant meaning "holding" as in "holding a position"; thus a "lieutenant" is somebody who holds a superior's position in his or her absence (compare the Latin locum tenens). "  It's probably time to stop writing this now, as that was definitely a low point...

Snuggled on the sofa under my coat, trying to ignore the fact that I'm going out soon. I am sore and tired and a little cold, and have switched the channel to David Attenburgh for comfort. Unfortunately the first sentence since the switch is 'Soon, she will be burnt alive.' Today has been confusing. I had sex last night for the first time since Fish. It wasn't very good, which was rather a disappointment, but at least I've done it, I suppose. Then went with Lucy on a day trip out of London, to Aylesbury, which was rather a weird destination but a lovely pub and nice to be out. I feel quite weird. Sad, but think it's just tiredness. The guy is called James and is cute, though cuter (it must be said) after quite a bit of wine. Still, was a lovely date (we met at our houseparty last week) to the  AMAZING Pyjama Men and he is very sweet and quite interesting. Basically, I'm glad I did it but really wish it had been excellent - good sex is hard to come by, it appears. *sigh. Oh well. Off to here tonight: http://www.powderkegdiplomacy.co.uk/contact.html which does look v. exciting, if I was a bit less sleepy!